benjamin: the arrival
I'm writing this post a lot differently than I usually do. I'm typing with only one hand because the other is holding my sleeping babe on my chest. Wow! I just had to do a double take down at his face again to make sure I wasn't seeing things. He is the most beautiful creature I've ever seen... and sure, I might be biased, but he is pretty dang adorable. It's also taken me over two weeks to write this because I haven't had the time or energy to dedicate half an hour to myself on something not related to personal hygiene.
This post is my account of how things went down on the day(s) Benjamin decided to finally stop kicking the inside of my ribs and come say hi to his mom (and the rest of the world) face-to-face. My mom in-law took a video of the before, during, and afters of Benjamin's debut, which was really interesting to watch. Interesting is just one word to describe it. Others would be awkward, amusing, and adorable. I'm looking forward to watching it every year on little man's birthday.
Beginning.
37 hours start to finish. Before you gag a little, it wasn't as horrible as that sounds. I was only in active labor for about 13 hours, but I had early labor for the entire day previous. I had 4 possible "due dates," ranging about a week apart. I was 2 weeks past the first one and a week past the last one. I was officially LATE. Gosh that was annoying. Luckily I wasn't the size of a manatee, otherwise I would probably be a lot more cranky and irritable about the whole thing. Granted, I went to bed crying over the last few days because my body was showing zero signs of ever letting this baby out of me. And everyone else I knew that was having June babies had had theirs already. All I could think of was that I was a slow poke and that Benjamin actually wanted to be born in July because mommy wasn't crazy enough to be ready to birth a baby. But by the time I actually went into labor, I'm sure I had plenty of crazy in me.
Walks.
We went on a lot of them. Wednesday, Thursday, and Friday, Aaron and I clocked an average of 3-4 miles in the evening before going to bed. Our legs were so sore! During the walks, I would get Braxton Hicks (false labor) contractions every 10 minutes and my excitement would rise. Maybe this walking stuff really works!? On and on we walked. It was probably the best thing we could have done for our sanity. I was getting too anxious for words and Aaron had to keep my head on my shoulders, so we walked around the neighboring city blocks. It was so nice to just explore and to admire (or critique) the houses we live near by. We started planning our dream home and even talked about non-baby related things, which was a nice change.
Friday.
Thursday night's walk was a doozy. We took a break about half way and my contractions stopped - a sign that they weren't real contractions but just my body reacting to the exercise. What a bummer. Once we started walking again, however, they came every 5 minutes apart and my hopes were again stirred slightly. Aaron went to bed once we got home and I let him sleep. I was determined to go into labor and he was going to need his energy to help me get through it. So I stayed downstairs with my mom and sister, doing hip circles on my exercise ball while watching a movie. The contractions came about 7 minutes apart, were slightly more uncomfortable, and aside from having periods of 20 minutes of nothing, were fairly regular. I went to bed around 2AM and hoped I would have to wake everyone up for "go time." It didn't happen but I did show more physical signs of actually being in labor this time. I texted my midwife in the morning to let her know that I was definitely in early labor and that I would keep her posted. It was a long day filled with anticipation and let down. Aaron took the day off from work but since I wasn't going into any serious labor, he did a ton of yard work to stay busy. I spent the majority of my time on my yoga ball doing hip circles and trying to stay relaxed so that things would kick up a notch. After all this waiting, it was hard not to be excited at the slightest change in sensations, but that excitement would slow down any progressing labor. Dang!
Mom, helping me during a contraction.
Active.
Aaron and I went to bed early, around 7PM, to try and get some rest for the big show. I woke up after a few hours and hung out with my mom and sister. Around 2AM, my rather pathetic excuse for contractions picked up the pace and actually started to hurt. I woke up Aaron (who was surprised he slept so long!) and called my midwife. She asked me a bunch of questions. The big one was whether I could talk during my contractions. I could, but that didn't mean I wanted to. I had 2 of them during my 6 minute phone call with her and she said she was on her way. It was go time! I was finally in active labor, which was painful and exciting. After about 2 hours, I got checked and was around 4cm dilated. The contractions were coming about every 5 minutes, so we called in the rest of the family. The only birth I had ever attended was that of my sister in-law, Stacey, who almost literally popped out her baby, Samuel, an hour after everyone showed up. So when my contractions got closer together, I had this crazy thought that maybe I would be done with this laboring thing pretty soon. False. I was in for a nice 13 hour haul of active labor, consisting of various ways to control the pain. My midwife was excellent. She knew exactly what kind of symptoms I would be experiencing and could predict when I was going to have them. It wasn't the most beautiful thing at times. I was nauseous and got sick twice, and yes, there was even poop involved, but that was just one time. I now have spit up on my shirt and my son always smells like dirty diaper to me. But I digress. We did try out some interesting tricks to speed up my labor. Aaron, a midwife, and myself went for a walk around the block twice, stopping every few steps to help me get through a contraction. At the time, it didn't feel that weird, but watching it on tape after the fact, we looked like homeless old zombies. Just imagine 3 people walking really, really slowly down a sidewalk in their jammies, and then every so often they would stop, hold each other, and sway back and forth. Not surprisingly, we scared a few neighbors back into their houses.
Siblings waiting excitedly!
Pop.
The walking really helped, even though I hated every moment of it - speeding up labor meant less recovery time between contractions. I might have taken the pain a lot more courageously if I didn't have back labor (which is like birthing two babies at one time). I needed someone pressing as hard as possible on my back during each contraction and then they would rub it afterwards because of how sore my muscles were getting. Little Benjamin was laying right on my spine, so his body was putting pressure on my back with each contraction in addition to my entire belly. I had no concept of time so I don't really know when this all happened but sooner than expected it was around noon. Holy cow I had been doing this for 10 hours already?! I got into the birth pool to labor some more when my midwife told me I had a decision to make. She said that my labor is progressing, albeit at a slow pace, but there was a possibility for me to continue laboring into the night…again. Um, no thanks! The decision was made to break my water to help things really get moving. I'll admit, I was a bit scared at this point. I was exhausted, I was cashing in every one of my brownie points with my loved ones who were with me during contractions, and I knew that once they popped my water, I was going to be in more intense pain. Plus, I had to get out of the tub and onto my bed, which was cause for another contraction or two just from the change in position. But you couldn't pay me enough money to be in labor through another night! I attempted to rest between contractions but would get violently woken up by severe pain throughout most of my body. This actually made it difficult to nap for a few days after giving birth because my brain must have gotten used to waking up to contractions and would have me dream about being in labor again. I call it labor shell shock.
I got on my bed and they broke my water. Ugh, that was the worst thing ever (at the time). I wanted to cry so many times, but I was too tired to even do that. But the midwives knew what they were doing and once again they were right. My contractions kicked it up to full throttle and I was about to have this baby! I awkwardly went into the tub again to get ready to push, but I didn't stay there very long. My midwife saw meconium (baby's first poop) in the water, which was a sign of distress. She said I would have to get out on the bed so she could help me through the pushing and to make sure that everything was okay with Ben. That really made me want to cry. I wanted to be comfortable for just a few minutes but it seemed impossible. I finally decided that I could be comfortable as soon as this baby comes out of me so I needed to become really brave, put my game face on, and get to that point. I felt the urge to push before I even got out of the tub, so as soon as I was on the bed, I got the OK to start pushing as hard as I wanted for as long as I wanted until I got the word to slow down. Finally I had some control over this dang labor! I got a few tips on how to push and then I went to town, pushing during and in-between contractions. Aaron watched the veins in my head bulge a little while sitting next to me, coaching and encouraging every push. I was beyond myself, almost out of body, and as if it was becoming a dream. The exhaustion had really taken over and I was running on straight adrenaline.
Push.
This was my favorite part, if there can be such a thing. All I wanted during this whole active labor was someone to tell me when it would be over so that I could hold out until then. As I'm pushing, I could see the light at the end of the tunnel. I knew it would be over soon and I would have my baby laying on top of me, being super adorable and scary at the same time. I pushed with all my might, feeling his head against my bones, and shouting to God for mercy on my poor ladyparts. Benjamin was almost here! At one point, they checked me and he only had about an inch left to travel. I was invited to feel his head for myself, which I readily did and let out an exhausted cry. "Oh my God. That's my baby! Oh my God. Aaron touch his head!" He declined, since he could see the mess that I had just reached into to touch my baby's head. I didn't care. I had been waiting to touch that head for months and I finally could!! With a few more coached pushes, I slowed down and let him ease his way out. The midwives even used warm olive oil to help prevent tearing, which also felt really amazing. At last, his head finally emerged! Purple faced and with the cord wrapped tightly around his neck twice, my son was more than 50% exposed. My midwife didn't even flinch when she saw his predicament. Normally she's not one to cut the cord prematurely, but this was a slight emergency. In about 15 seconds, while I took a breather, she clamped, clamped and then cut the umbilical cord. As soon as she finished unwrapping it from around his neck, he fell into her arms, and then was placed into mine. I had no idea anything had happened until after the fact. Actually, most of this part is a blur and I can only write an accurate account based on what people told me and from the birth video I watched later. Like I said before, it started to feel like a dream, and my ability to hold onto solid memories was compromised.
Kiss well done.
First family moment.
Ben.
He felt so solid and heavy when they placed him on my chest. All 7 pounds, 3 ounces of him. I was freaking out. I wanted to cry with joy, but I couldn't even make any tears. Instead, I just laid there in shock as he started crying for me, the best cry in the world. I touched his hand with my finger and he grabbed onto me, tight. It was the best feeling in the world. Aaron was teary eyed and overjoyed as well, leaning down to kiss me for a job well done. We finally had our Benjamin! How the heck did that happen?! I felt a huge rush of relief, energy, and relaxation flow over me. I just birthed a baby…naturally, the way God designed me to. He is so perfect, healthy and with just a bit of hair. He cries very little now, and only when he's too far away from his food source. Or when he wants daddy to entertain him.
Thanksgiving.
It was a heck of a journey and I'm thankful that I never have to birth him again. But I'm glad that I did it the way I did. I'm thankful to have had a skilled midwife team who let me do my thing and allowed me to have a birth without any interventions and resulting complications. I'm thankful for all the love and support that I had during the entire process. I'm so thankful for an amazing husband who went through all but a few contractions with me, and to my mom, sister, and mom in-law, who were also by my side during so much of the painful parts. Now I know why, on the day I was born, my dad looked at my little body and felt empathetic pain for his daughter who would one day have to go through what her mom just did. It was well worth it. I'm thankful I even wrote out this birth story because the memories of the pain are already gone. Parenthood is about dying to your self, so that someone else can live. I'm learning that more and more each day, to love Benjamin more than I love myself, so that he can grow to surpass me in gifts, strengths, and success. I am willing to sacrifice sleep, fun activities, even regular showers, in order to make sure he is well taken care of. Right now, he's taking a nap on his favorite pillows (my chest) so I think he's doing quite alright for himself.
Concentrating on his thumb sucking.
Sleepy smiles.
Fourth of July!
