Whoooaaa, we're half way there!

LIVING ON A PRAAAYER!! Ahem. Sorry, I never thought that song would be so true to life, but it is! Benjamin is 6 freaking months old! I can scarce believe it. This journey has been so crazy and ridiculous, but in many ways, good and bad. I am so excited to finally see what God has done to our family and what He's brought us through. I mean, hey, there were days when I "cried it out" for 15 minutes because I was so tired that my body forgot how to fall asleep. Ben screamed for most of his (not eating) waking moments during the first 3-4 months, before he had his chiropractic adjustments. But even in the trying times, there were also bath time splashes, first smiles (and even giggles!), squishy bottom dimples, sneezing fits, and sleepy time cuddles....the things that made each day so much better than the last.

Angel face Christmas card photo shoot

6 months is a fantastic age. I kind of wish I could freeze him at this spot, when anything that lights up or makes noise (preferably both) deters any major meltdowns, and before he learns to talk back. He's also getting pretty hefty and I'm not sure how much longer I can pick him up and put him down. I swear, in one week, I was dressing him in 3-6 month clothing and then the next day they didn't fit. So I went up to 6 months and he outgrew those in a day! He's now in the very few outfits that are 6-9 months to 12 months and I'm keeping him in disposables so that his giant cloth diaper butt doesn't get in the way. Plus, he's quickly outgrowing those diapers, too, so I have to use them before they don't fit! What the heck, baby? Did we feed you 4 bowls of food on top of all your meals every day?? Oh, wait. We did. But you were asking for it so obviously it was necessary.

We went to the doctor's for his 6 month checkup and he's doing great! He grew 2 inches in the last 2 months, which explains the lack of clothes that fit him now. He can sit up unsupported for as long as he's not distracted. That, however, is not very long as he's discovering more and more things around him that are fun to look at. He loves grabbing at stuff and I caught him picking up his pacifier with his feet, transferring it to his hands, and then shoving it into his mouth. What a sneaky baby! I am so crazy about this kid. Sure, he has his moments, but most of the time I'm bummed that he has to go down for a nap all the time. If he could just stay awake and not be crabby, I would be perfectly fine with that. As long as he gets his beauty rest, he is the most laid back kid. He hangs out and listens to music, watches YouTube videos of other babies laughing, plays with toys, eats, pukes, gets tired and snuggles with mommy, and then takes a nap. That kid's got the life! Now that he's more socially acceptable and it's the holiday season, he's been getting some quality time with his cousins, Will and Sam. This year, we had a 3 year-old, 1 year-old, and 6 month-old at Christmas and it was too cute for words! They had a photo shoot and we got some hilarious pictures from that as well as a few videos of all us old people screeching in the background at their cuteness. Here are a few of those gems:

L-R: Ben, Sam, & Will

Cousin Love

Smirk.

Blue Steel.

We had a wonderful Christmas, filled with lots of food, laughter, spit up, and crying, but overall a great time. I'm glad it's over and can finally get some much needed rest. The house survived all the people we stuffed in here and the smell of cookies is still lingering in the air. I have been waiting for this day since Ben was just a few weeks old, when he was completely miserable and I needed some kind of light at the end of the tunnel. The days were long but the weeks flew by! Before I know it, he's going to be crawling, walking, and then running....after girls probably. Until then, I am going to enjoy every moment that I'm the only woman in his life.

Alto Cinco!

Hooray! We made it to 5 months old already! I can't believe how quickly time is passing by! Ben celebrated his 5 month birthday just after Thanksgiving (and I'm only now getting to write about it!) while we were visiting family in Chicago. We were with my side of the family for the first time as a group in over a year so it was great to meet some new additions as well as wise-crack with the regulars. It was a great time and I'm sad it's over...and that everyone lives so far away. Dang.

Ben laughing!

If you were on the edge of your seat waiting for an update on the life of Benjamin, I do apologize. Now that the holiday season is officially upon us, I have been getting caught up in decorating, cleaning, feeding, and the usual commotion that comes around this time of year. We are hosting Christmas at our house for Aaron's side of the family again, which will be a good time and an interesting one now that we have tons of baby junk to hide somewhere in the house. Trying to find such places and keep on top of regular housework has been occupying most of my time these days.

This summer baby does not like hats. Or clothes....

Ben's really blossoming in so many ways. He's finally a real joy to be around when he's awake (yay!) even if he has his classic stoic look, which is common. He's teased us once with a ridiculously cute laugh that is suppressed most of the time and he's a dream child in the car. No more hours of listening to hysterics from the back seat. I am so glad those days are over...for now. Ben is recognizing people's faces and absolutely loves when daddy comes home! He's already a football fan, and will sit watching it with Aaron whenever a game is on. Even if I'm facing him away from the TV, he will strain his head around to try and catch some of the action. I'm hoping that being born into a Bills family, he will learn the virtue of being a good loser.

Some other things that have been happening in his life include starting some solids and grabbing things, especially his best buddy, Zig the cat. I wanted to wait until 6 months to give him some food but after a few weeks of him being a "brat at the boob" as I call it, I succumbed and gave in. Turns out, he was hungry, which explains why he was kind of a grump for a while. He wasn't always crying like he used to, but he was whiny and had a very short attention span. Now, we stuff his face until he starts blowing raspberries with his mouth full (what a mess) and he is happy as a clam for hours. It's also nice because now Aaron can feed him at least once a day and they can bond while I get a short break. Zig, still thinking that he's the baby of the family, loves everything that has to do with Ben. Often times, I will find the two of them cuddling after nap time and a pile of dirty baby clothes is like heaven for this cat. Now that Ben is learning to grab things better, he is enjoying petting his buddy and punching him in the face (at my encouragement). He also likes daddy's beard and mommy's hair or earrings (ouch), as well as spoons and his toes. Pretty much anything he can get his hands on, he will, and it'll probably end up in his mouth. He still loves being naked, which will be a problem now that it's snowing, but I'm sure he'll learn quickly that being naked in winter is no fun.

First attempts at crawling!

Lastly, with Christmas approaching, I put Ben through his first photoshoot done by his Aunt Val. I really wanted to do some sort of Christmas card this year and had to take advantage of this kid's cuteness while it lasts. Enjoy the pictures and video clips. He's a real ham and I love him.

Blowing out candles for daddy!

Sweet potato lipstick totally brings out his eyes.

Watching a movie with daddy and Zig.

Hard to tell, but very upset with mommy at this moment.

I could look at this picture all day!

Three, Four? Shut the [front] door.

Yep, mah baby's all grown up and is now 4 months young. When he's rested, he's quite the little ham. He loves smiling at mommy and daddy and just started to roll over! When he's not rested, that's a different story. He is definitely still high maintenance, which is why I'm writing this a few days late. Between holding him to sleep, holding him awake, and holding him...um, all the time, I haven't had too much free time to do anything beyond basic necessities.

I'm going to make some serious money off of this kid's face.

He has, however, improved! Now I can occasionally lay him on the ground (hopefully when the kitties aren't around) and he will talk to me while I do something. Or I can put him in the Bumbo seat and he slumps forward to suck on his hands. It's adorable. The reason that he's become so much more of a joy in my life is due to the discovery that he needed an adjustment. Literally. It seemed like for no reason at all, Ben hated being flat on his back. He always gave me grief whenever I made him lay there, for diaper changes or whatever reason. His cries were strange, a pained one, that seemed to never be soothed. Finally, my amazing mother in-law recommended taking him to the chiropractor. She knew of one who had a lot of experience with young babies so out of desperation, we gave it a shot. It turns out that 2 of the vertebrae at the top of his neck were rotated and pinched down on some nerves, causing inflammation and giving poor Benjamin the equivalent of a constant migraine. No wonder he was a crabby patty! After just one adjustment, he was a completely different baby. He slept soundly in my lap for about 3 hours that day and the next day, he didn't even complain about laying down at all. We went to visit my parents for Columbus Day and they were wondering what happened to that crabby baby I was always complaining about. I left him at home, I told them. What I learned (even though it's pretty obvious) is that birth is tremendously traumatic on a baby's body. A lot of problems that adults carry with them today are most likely something caused from birth. Thankfully, Ben is getting treated young before any major damage occurs and now all of his future siblings will receive the same preventative treatment!

Some things that Ben really enjoys include: being naked, boobies, Skyping my mom, baths (see, being naked), tickles, blowing raspberries on his belly, grabbing things (especially mommy's hair), walks in the Baby Bjorn, and being naked. The whole naked thing is pretty adorable, but I can see our heating bill slapping us across the face for that one. Ah well. No one said having kids was cheap. I'm glad that I wont have to invest in an electric blanket this year, which is a bonus.

After a nice long walk!

Skyping with Gamma!

Sitting up in the Bumbo!

It's been a fabulous 4 months with my handsome little man. He's still a baby, but he's not a baby...if that makes any sense. After much struggle with getting him to seek some independence and allowing me a break or two a day, Aaron and I decided that he was ready for some sleep training. So far, he's only known sleep as an "attached to mommy's boob" type of situation. Well, that can only go on for soooo long. Plus, we have a beautiful new crib going to waste in the nursery. It's about time someone besides the cat sleeps in it! I'll write a blog about the whole thing, because I feel like conquering the sleep obstacle is something that's either a fairytale or just a well kept secret. I'll bet $5 that if the age-bearing people on this earth really knew more about the reality of not sleeping for months on end, we would die out as a species. I know we will see a victory but I want other people to know all the sides of raising a baby, including the ugly and messy ones. Lucky for Ben, he's crazy cute, so at least he makes up for it. 

3 months.

Ta da! Ben has now graduated from newborn status to infant. That wasn't too hard. HA. I'm a real jokester...

It's been quite the whirlwind summer - one which I wasn't prepared for at all - and now it's already over. It's amazing how influential our environment is on our perception of life and how naturally pleasant we can be. For instance, if it's hot and humid for weeks in a row (curse you, July!), resulting in poor sleep with a baby that hates being hot but wants to touch me 24/7, it becomes a lot for me to be nice or useful around the house. Trying to not throw screaming babies or overly rambunctious kittens out the window was priority #1. Don't worry, every mom has thought about doing that or pulling her own hair out, so I try to not get too hard on myself. I have had to rely solely on God's grace to make it through alive. Nothing could have prepared me, not even my ghost from parental future, for the first 3 months with Benjamin. But we have made great strides and I'm certainly glad I don't have to relive any of my yesterdays. We have gone from him not even laying down on my lap without screaming to him sleeping on the couch next to me and even in his crib several times! Praise God! And only in the last few days did he miraculously decide to chill out a bit. 5 bucks says I just jinxed myself.

I never thought I would have such a high needs kid. I kind of figured since I was really laid back, that my son would follow my lead and just sleep or hang out all day. Not him needing to be constantly in motion, in someone's arms, or with a boob in or near his face. I prayed and prayed he would take a pacifier. He didn't. I prayed he would enjoy riding in the car. He gets motion sick and lonely. I still pray he will stay a sleep just a little bit longer. But there are some things he really loves. He loves bath time and splashing the cat. Being naked is probably the most amazing part of his day. He also recently discovered his "little benjamin" as I call it, so naked time is now even more entertaining for me. Ask me to show you the video, it's hilarious. Sorry, Ben.

Bath time: a family affair.

Ben doing his Fonzie face.

Zig trying to console Ben after a rough trip in the car.

Now that he has definitely found his hands, he's starting to get the hang of grabbing and holding on to stuff. It's mostly stuff like my hair or shirt and some toys, though I had him hold a paper plate while I carried him in the baby bjorn making myself breakfast. He used to be somewhat against being in any baby carrier unless he was in the perfect mood or really tired. But now that he's gotten a little bigger, he can face outward and look at the world from 5 feet up. He's also developed a relationship with our kitten that's beyond adorable. Zig is madly in love with Ben and is very concerned about being present for most of his daily activities. This includes bath time, nap time, food time, and even diaper time. Many a nap have been cut short because the cat wants to snuggle and lick Ben's hair into a mohawk. I now know the sound of Ben's "get this cat offa me!" cry on the baby monitor. It's distinct, and very similar to how you might sound if you woke up to a scratchy, fish-smelling tongue licking your eyelids open. This next picture happened while typing this post, proving my point. Thanks guys.

"Oh brother."

I am making a list of things I am thankful for when I experience them like I used to. Like sitting at a red light with the music up loud, no crying infant to soothe, and nowhere to go. Or sitting and watching TV for an hour. Or even having two hands to eat dinner and drink a glass of wine. Bliss! I am so in love with Benjamin, don't get me wrong. He is the one who taught me to appreciate these things, and so much more. He's also getting more snuggly and interactive, which is always enjoyable. And now that he's gotten quite emotionally attached to me, I have the magic touch when he's flipping out for no reason. I've never had that with babies, and for a while when he was colicky, I didn't even have it with my own son. But now I do! I have finally gotten the mommy powers I dreamed of. I sometimes sit and daydream of the day when he's big enough to start vocalizing his affection for me and even running, arms-opened wide, into a big hug. I am so excited to see him grow up before my eyes, even if it happens so quickly, like everybody with children say. I don't think I'll miss the first 3 months, but if I do, I'll just have another baby. Only this time, I really mean it when I say I'll wait a few years before kids.

Dimples and chins!

Playing with his favorite toy, Mr. Jangles. 

13 week old man.

Dos meses.

That's "two months" in Spanish, for all you English-only folks. Ben is still alive and kicking (and punching) a lot and I am finally starting to reap some of the benefits of parenthood. Every morning, Aaron and I enjoy a super cute family moment with our bubbly, happy baby, who loves being de-swaddled and naked first thing after waking up. We watch him show us his kung-fu moves in just a diaper and then our hearts melt when he smiles over and over- his whole face chubbing into this perfect anime baby face:

Shh..did you hear that? Oh yeah, that was the sound of your heart melting. Believe me, I know.

Up until a few days ago, Ben was not as happy as he was in the morning. In fact, he was a real drag, but a cute one at least! I had no idea what his freakin' problem was (no matter how many times I asked him nicely) but it seemed like there was no rhyme or reason to why he was crying. And the only thing that made sense in my head was:

Crying baby + boob = happy baby

It worked most of the time, but my poor mammaries needed to take five and I needed to take a shower. We needed to get to the bottom of this and quickly, before I shriveled up and started to stink. I was starting to lose my joy about this whole parenthood thing. If you were looking for an upbeat and typical "my baby is awesome" post, I apologize. I love my son, and he knows I do, but I'm sure I'm not the only person who has gone through the phase where you are "over" this whole having a baby thing and want to give him to someone else to take care of. Someone who knows what they're doing. But God is gracious and is teaching me a lot about taking care of this mini person of mine. 

I came to the realization that Ben was not sleeping nearly as much as he needed to during the day. Instead, he was getting overstimulated and way overtired to the point where he couldn't fall asleep anymore. Nursing was the only thing that helped him really drift off but after a while, he was just full and crabby. So I had to get off my bum and figure out new ways to get him to sleep. After several different trials and errors, I am now sitting here on my couch, watching my beautiful son sleep all snuggly in his swing. This is his second nap today and the first was a great 2 hour stretch. I got so much done, I was so impressed! I realize that every day is a new adventure, but God also renews his mercies every day, so I know that I can make it. Even when bad days (which there are many in the beginning) come, they are eventually over and the good days make them seem like a distant memory. 

A few days after his 2 month birthday, we took Ben camping with many of our church families in Olcott, NY. I was a little apprehensive about sleeping in a tent with a very needy 2 month old, but it turned out to be one of the most stress-free weekends since his birth. I barely held him, with the exception of feeding him or transportation to Grandma's campsite, and got to enjoy seeing him be loved by so many friends and family. It was a great vacation for me and a wonderful occasion for them! I think Ben liked all the fresh air, too. He slept so well outside that I was considering setting up a tent on the front porch so he can keep sleeping out there while it's still nice out. Don't worry, I'm not leaving my kid outside overnight. Not in my neighborhood at least. 

So there you have it. 2 months and he's doing great. I am so overwhelmed with my current freedom that I am going to tackle my mile long "to-do" list while I have the chance. There's no way I can nap with this much excitement about him sleeping on his own. I'll sleep when my kids all move out...in 40 years. Oh delight.

Ben and his cousin Sam, who is almost 9 months old.

1 month.

Holy crickets, where did July go?? That has been on my mind every day this week so far. I cannot believe how quickly the time passes...or rather how nonexistent my sense of time is. Every day has been an adventure, whether I leave my house or not.

Benjamin is an amazing little man already. He's grown an inch, put on about 2 pounds by now, and all his cute hair is still on his head (yay!). The last couple weeks were challenging - I believe he was experiencing mild colic. When I say colic (since there are many definitions of the word) I mean the version where he's in a lot of pain due to digestive immaturity. The poor boy had so much gas built up, I'm not at all surprised he was in a bad mood most of the time. We found that the only thing that made him feel better was to nurse, but that was a downward spiral since it was his and my food intake that was causing so much upset. It also left me being pretty much useless in every other aspect of life, and quite the baby hog whenever people came to see him, since he only gave me about 5 minutes to rest before nursing again. I got a lot of good advice, though, and after some research and reassurance, I started taking fennel and acidophilus, and cut chocolate from my diet. I learned that what I took in, so did Ben, and his body was not ready for mom's regular diet. It wasn't a huge sacrifice...I noticed I had an above average craving for chocolate (which I rarely eat normally) after giving birth and I was satisfying that through energy bars. These also had soy in them, which I read was another food item that can upset a little baby's digestive parts. Soy is also not good for you (or at least me) in large quantities because like most things in American food, it has been over processed and can actually mimic estrogen hormones in your body. I have had pretty major mood swings in the past during that time of the month because I was eating so much soy. Let's just say that was bad news bears for Aaron.

Overall, my days consist of diaper changes, burping, eating, and attempting to go out into public without making a scene. Today we successfully managed all of those things! I've even gotten good at doing all of that in the backseat of my car without being noticed. I could have cried for joy when I got back into my car after a positive trip to Target with a sleeping baby still wrapped close to me. The last time I tried that, he screamed for most of it and I left all my items inside the store until the cashier chased after me with them to my car. I never noticed how quiet Target was until I was that lady with her screaming baby. Oh boy. That's what I get for secretly being annoyed at people who brought their irritable children out shopping. Luckily, only old folks and other ladies with babies shop at Target before noon on a Tuesday, so I had some empathy there.

Parenthood has been awesome so far. This kid loves to snuggle with his mommy...I mean, how can I complain about that?? I will do my best to treasure these moments but I am also eagerly awaiting some of his next few milestones (especially smiling and laughing!). Until then, I will savor his weird expressions and his little cough-cry he makes when he wants a boob to the face.

 Ben, amused by daddy.

 A quick smiling moment for mommy!

Probably one of my favorites. What a goof!

Benjamin Aaron Dana - a home birth story

benjamin: the arrival

I'm writing this post a lot differently than I usually do. I'm typing with only one hand because the other is holding my sleeping babe on my chest. Wow! I just had to do a double take down at his face again to make sure I wasn't seeing things. He is the most beautiful creature I've ever seen... and sure, I might be biased, but he is pretty dang adorable. It's also taken me over two weeks to write this because I haven't had the time or energy to dedicate half an hour to myself on something not related to personal hygiene.

This post is my account of how things went down on the day(s) Benjamin decided to finally stop kicking the inside of my ribs and come say hi to his mom (and the rest of the world) face-to-face. My mom in-law took a video of the before, during, and afters of Benjamin's debut, which was really interesting to watch. Interesting is just one word to describe it. Others would be awkward, amusing, and adorable. I'm looking forward to watching it every year on little man's birthday.

Beginning.

37 hours start to finish. Before you gag a little, it wasn't as horrible as that sounds. I was only in active labor for about 13 hours, but I had early labor for the entire day previous. I had 4 possible "due dates," ranging about a week apart. I was 2 weeks past the first one and a week past the last one. I was officially LATE. Gosh that was annoying. Luckily I wasn't the size of a manatee, otherwise I would probably be a lot more cranky and irritable about the whole thing. Granted, I went to bed crying over the last few days because my body was showing zero signs of ever letting this baby out of me. And everyone else I knew that was having June babies had had theirs already. All I could think of was that I was a slow poke and that Benjamin actually wanted to be born in July because mommy wasn't crazy enough to be ready to birth a baby. But by the time I actually went into labor, I'm sure I had plenty of crazy in me. 

Walks. 

We went on a lot of them. Wednesday, Thursday, and Friday, Aaron and I clocked an average of 3-4 miles in the evening before going to bed. Our legs were so sore! During the walks, I would get Braxton Hicks (false labor) contractions every 10 minutes and my excitement would rise. Maybe this walking stuff really works!? On and on we walked. It was probably the best thing we could have done for our sanity. I was getting too anxious for words and Aaron had to keep my head on my shoulders, so we walked around the neighboring city blocks. It was so nice to just explore and to admire (or critique) the houses we live near by. We started planning our dream home and even talked about non-baby related things, which was a nice change. 

Friday.

Thursday night's walk was a doozy. We took a break about half way and my contractions stopped - a sign that they weren't real contractions but just my body reacting to the exercise. What a bummer. Once we started walking again, however, they came every 5 minutes apart and my hopes were again stirred slightly. Aaron went to bed once we got home and I let him sleep. I was determined to go into labor and he was going to need his energy to help me get through it. So I stayed downstairs with my mom and sister, doing hip circles on my exercise ball while watching a movie. The contractions came about 7 minutes apart, were slightly more uncomfortable, and aside from having periods of 20 minutes of nothing, were fairly regular. I went to bed around 2AM and hoped I would have to wake everyone up for "go time." It didn't happen but I did show more physical signs of actually being in labor this time. I texted my midwife in the morning to let her know that I was definitely in early labor and that I would keep her  posted. It was a long day filled with anticipation and let down. Aaron took the day off from work but since I wasn't going into any serious labor, he did a ton of yard work to stay busy. I spent the majority of my time on my yoga ball doing hip circles and trying to stay relaxed so that things would kick up a notch. After all this waiting, it was hard not to be excited at the slightest change in sensations, but that excitement would slow down any progressing labor. Dang!

Mom, helping me during a contraction.

Active.

Aaron and I went to bed early, around 7PM, to try and get some rest for the big show. I woke up after a few hours and hung out with my mom and sister. Around 2AM, my rather pathetic excuse for contractions picked up the pace and actually started to hurt. I woke up Aaron (who was surprised he slept so long!) and called my midwife. She asked me a bunch of questions. The big one was whether I could talk during my contractions. I could, but that didn't mean I wanted to. I had 2 of them during my 6 minute phone call with her and she said she was on her way. It was go time! I was finally in active labor, which was painful and exciting. After about 2 hours, I got checked and was around 4cm dilated. The contractions were coming about every 5 minutes, so we called in the rest of the family. The only birth I had ever attended was that of my sister in-law, Stacey, who almost literally popped out her baby, Samuel, an hour after everyone showed up. So when my contractions got closer together, I had this crazy thought that maybe I would be done with this laboring thing pretty soon. False. I was in for a nice 13 hour haul of active labor, consisting of various ways to control the pain. My midwife was excellent. She knew exactly what kind of symptoms I would be experiencing and could predict when I was going to have them. It wasn't the most beautiful thing at times. I was nauseous and got sick twice, and yes, there was even poop involved, but that was just one time. I now have spit up on my shirt and my son always smells like dirty diaper to me. But I digress. We did try out some interesting tricks to speed up my labor. Aaron, a midwife, and myself went for a walk around the block twice, stopping every few steps to help me get through a contraction. At the time, it didn't feel that weird, but watching it on tape after the fact, we looked like homeless old zombies. Just imagine 3 people walking really, really slowly down a sidewalk in their jammies, and then every so often they would stop, hold each other, and sway back and forth. Not surprisingly, we scared a few neighbors back into their houses. 

Siblings waiting excitedly!

Pop.

The walking really helped, even though I hated every moment of it - speeding up labor meant less recovery time between contractions. I might have taken the pain a lot more courageously if I didn't have back labor (which is like birthing two babies at one time). I needed someone pressing as hard as possible on my back during each contraction and then they would rub it afterwards because of how sore my muscles were getting. Little Benjamin was laying right on my spine, so his body was putting pressure on my back with each contraction in addition to my entire belly. I had no concept of time so I don't really know when this all happened but sooner than expected it was around noon. Holy cow I had been doing this for 10 hours already?! I got into the birth pool to labor some more when my midwife told me I had a decision to make. She said that my labor is progressing, albeit at a slow pace, but there was a possibility for me to continue laboring into the night…again. Um, no thanks! The decision was made to break my water to help things really get moving. I'll admit, I was a bit scared at this point. I was exhausted, I was cashing in every one of my brownie points with my loved ones who were with me during contractions, and I knew that once they popped my water, I was going to be in more intense pain. Plus, I had to get out of the tub and onto my bed, which was cause for another contraction or two just from the change in position. But you couldn't pay me enough money to be in labor through another night! I attempted to rest between contractions but would get violently woken up by severe pain throughout most of my body. This actually made it difficult to nap for a few days after giving birth because my brain must have gotten used to waking up to contractions and would have me dream about being in labor again. I call it labor shell shock.

I got on my bed and they broke my water. Ugh, that was the worst thing ever (at the time). I wanted to cry so many times, but I was too tired to even do that. But the midwives knew what they were doing and once again they were right. My contractions kicked it up to full throttle and I was about to have this baby! I awkwardly went into the tub again to get ready to push, but I didn't stay there very long. My midwife saw meconium (baby's first poop) in the water, which was a sign of distress. She said I would have to get out on the bed so she could help me through the pushing and to make sure that everything was okay with Ben. That really made me want to cry. I wanted to be comfortable for just a few minutes but it seemed impossible. I finally decided that I could be comfortable as soon as this baby comes out of me so I needed to become really brave, put my game face on, and get to that point. I felt the urge to push before I even got out of the tub, so as soon as I was on the bed, I got the OK to start pushing as hard as I wanted for as long as I wanted until I got the word to slow down. Finally I had some control over this dang labor! I got a few tips on how to push and then I went to town, pushing during and in-between contractions. Aaron watched the veins in my head bulge a little while sitting next to me, coaching and encouraging every push. I was beyond myself, almost out of body, and as if it was becoming a dream. The exhaustion had really taken over and I was running on straight adrenaline. 

Push.

This was my favorite part, if there can be such a thing. All I wanted during this whole active labor was someone to tell me when it would be over so that I could hold out until then. As I'm pushing, I could see the light at the end of the tunnel. I knew it would be over soon and I would have my baby laying on top of me, being super adorable and scary at the same time. I pushed with all my might, feeling his head against my bones, and shouting to God for mercy on my poor ladyparts. Benjamin was almost here! At one point, they checked me and he only had about an inch left to travel. I was invited to feel his head for myself, which I readily did and let out an exhausted cry. "Oh my God. That's my baby! Oh my God. Aaron touch his head!" He declined, since he could see the mess that I had just reached into to touch my baby's head. I didn't care. I had been waiting to touch that head for months and I finally could!! With a few more coached pushes, I slowed down and let him ease his way out. The midwives even used warm olive oil to help prevent tearing, which also felt really amazing. At last, his head finally emerged! Purple faced and with the cord wrapped tightly around his neck twice, my son was more than 50% exposed. My midwife didn't even flinch when she saw his predicament. Normally she's not one to cut the cord prematurely, but this was a slight emergency. In about 15 seconds, while I took a breather, she clamped, clamped and then cut the umbilical cord. As soon as she finished unwrapping it from around his neck, he fell into her arms, and then was placed into mine. I had no idea anything had happened until after the fact. Actually, most of this part is a blur and I can only write an accurate account based on what people told me and from the birth video I watched later. Like I said before, it started to feel like a dream, and my ability to hold onto solid memories was compromised. 

 Kiss well done.

First family moment.

Ben.

He felt so solid and heavy when they placed him on my chest. All 7 pounds, 3 ounces of him. I was freaking out. I wanted to cry with joy, but I couldn't even make any tears. Instead, I just laid there in shock as he started crying for me, the best cry in the world. I touched his hand with my finger and he grabbed onto me, tight. It was the best feeling in the world. Aaron was teary eyed and overjoyed as well, leaning down to kiss me for a job well done. We finally had our Benjamin! How the heck did that happen?! I felt a huge rush of relief, energy, and relaxation flow over me. I just birthed a baby…naturally, the way God designed me to. He is so perfect, healthy and with just a bit of hair. He cries very little now, and only when he's too far away from his food source. Or when he wants daddy to entertain him. 

Thanksgiving.

It was a heck of a journey and I'm thankful that I never have to birth him again. But I'm glad that I did it the way I did. I'm thankful to have had a skilled midwife team who let me do my thing and allowed me to have a birth without any interventions and resulting complications. I'm thankful for all the love and support that I had during the entire process. I'm so thankful for an amazing husband who went through all but a few contractions with me, and to my mom, sister, and mom in-law, who were also by my side during so much of the painful parts. Now I know why, on the day I was born, my dad looked at my little body and felt empathetic pain for his daughter who would one day have to go through what her mom just did. It was well worth it. I'm thankful I even wrote out this birth story because the memories of the pain are already gone. Parenthood is about dying to your self, so that someone else can live. I'm learning that more and more each day, to love Benjamin more than I love myself, so that he can grow to surpass me in gifts, strengths, and success. I am willing to sacrifice sleep, fun activities, even regular showers, in order to make sure he is well taken care of. Right now, he's taking a nap on his favorite pillows (my chest) so I think he's doing quite alright for himself.

 Concentrating on his thumb sucking.

 Sleepy smiles.

Fourth of July!

Late

Here I am at 41 weeks pregnant. Ready, so ready, to have this man-child on the outside of me so that my bruised ribs can heal, I can eat sushi again, and most importantly, so I can finally show him off to the whole world! The past 7 days have felt like Groundhog Day (the movie, not the holiday), except I'm not nearly as entertaining as Bill Murray. My mom and youngest sister came to stay with us in anticipation of the birth and to support me in the days afterwards. So far we've done a lot of sleeping in, walking around, playing with our new kitten, and eating ice cream. I'm not complaining...it has been great to have a vacation from work and to spend so much time with my family, which is a rarity these days. As much as I love spending all this time with them, I know they will eventually have to leave and I want them to get as much time with their newest family member as they did with his momma. 

My Aaron has been working hard every day and still finds the energy to love me by "nesting" in ways that I'm severely incapable of doing in a rational way. Thanks to him, we have the nursery painted, crib assembled, ceiling fan installed, changing table set up, birth pool inflated in our bedroom, and all the laundry finally folded and put away. He is amazing. We went on an early anniversary dinner date tonight to celebrate a rare evening alone. It was so nice. I had butterflies on the way to the restaurant, mostly because I knew this would be our last uncomplicated dinner out for a while. The "no-turning-back" mentality had been creeping up on us here and there during the week but we both settled into the realization that parenthood is going to be different and awesome and completely worth it. I am so blessed to be in this together with him. Not just because he has 7 younger siblings and knows a few things about birth, babies, and changing diapers (score!). He's also become 10 times more of a man in just the first year of our marriage and I know that will rub off on our son. If he wasn't so wonderful during these last 9 months, I am pretty sure I would have been a whole lot less pleasant to be around as well.

I wish I knew someone who has done everything that I will ever do and can tell me just how things are going to feel in ways that people will never tell you. Does that even make sense? Like me from the future, I guess. No one told me about the butterflies I would feel as I take a shower, thinking it may be my last one where I can be efficient or just stand there enjoying the hot water if I so choose. Or that calm before the storm that settles deep in the heart of a woman who knows she's going to do something really, really challenging on every level of her being in the very near future. And I'm pretty sure no one would ever tell me that they would lay in bed at night enjoying how nice it was to have a pain-free crotch and to savor the moment. Well, I've felt all of those things just in the last week. I convinced myself that the reason I couldn't go into labor was because my to-do list wasn't finished. I simply could not have a baby before I had maternity photos taken, washed all my clothes, paid all the bills, and cleaned out the fridge (to name a few). Certainly, my son was just as concerned with these things as I was, right? 

I've had an abnormally pleasant pregnancy, with little to complain about (although everyone tells me I should complain about something, so sometimes I do, just to fit in). I almost wanted to have something uncomfortable happen over these 9 months so that I could justify wanting an easy labor. You know that, too good to be true feeling? But I'm not focusing on the storm around me. I'm going to look straight ahead, focus on the task at hand, and have an amazingly spiritual connection with my Maker as I bring my firstborn son into the world. 

Maternity pictures, taken by the amazing Lisa Barker!

Goodbye, toes. Hello, spring!

Well, it's technically spring, even if it's snowing outside {grr} I can't complain - we have been having wonderful weather lately and I even went out [read: absentmindedly] to do errands without a jacket during this 30 degree snowy afternoon. 

Some updates on my little man. He's 32.5 weeks old and the pregnancy app on my phone says he's roughly the size of a honeydew melon. Maybe if I eat an entire honeydew, I'll look like he's the right size. For being 7+ months pregnant, you can't really tell unless I take off a few layers of clothing. There are ladies 4 months along who have pretty massive bellies. I can't and won't complain! As long as he stays in there to at least 37 weeks, I don't mind if he's shrimpy looking on the outside :) He's been saying hello a lot more visibly now, too. I could spend all day just watching him squirm around inside of my belly. Most recently he has high-fived the roommates and some future relatives. I'm looking forward to seeing some feet and elbows poking out soon!

I have also felt my first couple Braxton Hicks contractions! Before I was pregnant, the thought of early contractions scared the bajeezums out of me. But now I know that this is just my body's way of going to the "gym" and getting ready for the big day. Every time I felt one, it was more of a realization that my stomach didn't feel like a squishy baby-making place - but more of a rock-hard ab machine. Just a one-pack but still, solid mass of belly. It almost felt like I was doing a sit up...which is a distant memory since I think I gave those up soon after I got married.

Here's a list of things I'm looking forward to in the next 8 weeks and beyond:

- Vacation, so I can get a tan and actually hang out with the hubs before there are any more pasty pregnant pictures taken of me.

- Playing shows. I have two coming up in May (one's our CD release and the other is 2 weeks before I'm due!!) I miss being on stage. I am also tired of practicing 2-3 times a week. This will be a most joyous reward for all the hard work we've all been doing.

- The baby shower. My wonderful sister-in-law has been planning with my girl friends a sweet get-together at my place. I can't wait to see everybody and actually get some baby things in the house. I just have to keep my hormones in gear so I don't buy anything until that date. My mommy urges make me twitch sometimes. 

- Birth! "Grosssss" is all I can hear my siblings say in the back of my head hah! I'm actually really excited to pop this kid out of me. He and I have been bonding a lot recently and it's all I can do to not want him out right this second. The first thing I want to know if he's gonna be a bald blondie like his daddy or a hairy monkey child like momma. Either way, this blue-eyed guy is gonna be the love of my life and I am quite okay with enduring some pain to see him. Plus, when I birth him naturally, in my livingroom or wherever he decides to show up in my house, I can have some "badass brownie points" - redeemable anytime someone whines at me about anything.

- Summer!!! I cannot wait to do some gardening, get a decent tan, go to the market like all the other granola baby-slinging moms do, snuggle with my naked baby, go to the park with his aunts and cousins, take lots of fun pictures, visit friends and family, and even surprise daddy during his lunch breaks :)

- Getting into shape again. Not that I'm looking forward to being in a hot, smelly gym after almost a year of being membership-free, but I am excited to have a body that's ready to model again. Pregnancy has done wonders to my figure, actually, and has filled me out so that I no longer look like a deflated person. The goal is to lose the fat from breastfeeding and then tone, tone, TONE like a boss. Lucky for me, my sister-in-law is a champ and is already teeny tiny after having her 2nd little man in December, so I'm sure we'll work out some kind of system so that we can both get a workout in a few times a week without worrying about childcare.

- Skype. It's been tradition in my long-distance family to start Skyping each other once we pop out a baby or two. So I know I'm going to be expected to call up my mom, brothers, and sisters so that they can look at how squishy my little squishy man is and make lots of high-pitched weird noises at him. It comes with the territory, but I like it.

 - Crafts! I have been focusing so much on work and other things that I have to do that I'm dedicating this summer to doing some things that I want do to. Imagine that! Meanwhile, my list of projects has been growing and I'm sure our house will be filled with tons of cute, [hopefully not] useless crap in no time. I can't wait!

That's all for this moment. Hopefully I'll be less lazy and post again soon.

 32 weeks, 4 days!

I'll never forget you, 2nd trimester

I started thinking to myself about how quickly the time is going by and how little excitement has happened throughout my day-to-day life and pregnancy. Well, I asked for it, and not too long after I found myself in the hospital with extreme pain and lots of confusion...but more on that later. Other than this most recent episode, everything has been peachy. I have been eating and working a lot and my husband has learned quickly that getting between me and my next meal is a bad idea. My belly even finally started looking like there was a baby in there, instead of too many beers and ice cream (two things I wish I had in my life at this moment), especially when he's having a one-man dance party in my uterus. I've started looking forward to birth and all of it's many challenges and uncertainties. This was mostly brought on by my impatience to meet my little man face to face, and how nice it will be to eat normal "bad" foods again. Luckily, baby boy is showing up just in time for "hot day, cold beer" season, which I am fondly looking forward to enjoying with his daddy on the front porch swing while the little man sleeps :)

Back to my not-that-exciting 2nd trimester. I celebrated my final day of week 26 in the hospital with the worst lower abdominal pains I have ever experienced. It was 5:45am and I was just about to leave for work when I doubled over in the bathroom and couldn't get up. Luckily, I had my phone on me and I called my husband to help me off my hands and knees. He helped me back onto our annoyingly high bed (at least for someone with limited mobility) and I grimaced as I tried to figure out what was happening. Pain. That's all I could tell what it was. Lots of it and all over where my uterus was. My first thought was that I had maybe pulled one of the tendons in my abdominals that holds the uterus in. But after waves of increased pain that came out of nowhere, my second thought was "Oh no, it's too soon for labor. This kid better not be coming out right now!" Quickly, Aaron made some phone calls and were on the way to the hospital, as instructed by the midwife on call. I could barely move but somehow managed to get into the car and wheeled into triage for someone to look at me. I felt like an episode of "House" because no one could figure out what was wrong with me (and most of those episodes involves someone being pregnant). All they could tell me was what wasn't the problem. Thankfully, a few doses of morphine and some frozen baby diaper ice packs did the trick and all my tests came back with good news. Baby boy was fine, and probably hyper because of all the commotion. The morphine didn't even make him remotely sleepy like the nurses expected, which they could tell from the fetal monitor I was strapped up to. Once the morphine was working and I was less concerned with what the heck was going on, it was nice to hear him move around and even have hiccups a few times.

Aaron was an angel and stayed by my side the whole time. He admitted that the experience made him more excited for when the baby does come, though he was glad that wasn't going to happen too soon. I couldn't have agreed more, and I was so thankful for all the comfort he showed me during this difficult time. It was good practice for labor as he helped massage my back when the stress of the pain radiated to other parts of my body. He was ever so patient and went without food for most of the day just to stay with me. Once I was more stable, he did take a break to eat something and grab comfy clothes and the laptop to watch a movie with me. We even got a visit from our friends Marc and Rebecca, who work in the hospital and just happened to be there at the time. Things finally got better so we got to come home after 15 hours in the maternity ward and I woke up feeling fine this morning. Fortunately, I get to enjoy some R&R (which is why I have the time and energy to write a whole post today!) while Aaron stretches his legs and does some spring cleaning. I guess being cooped in a room with me in pain all day got him antsy to do something more productive while still being around in case I need him.

All in all, the day did not go as expected, but we are glad for a few things. One, that our baby is fine and seemingly unaffected by the day's events and two, that whatever was wrong has thankfully gone away and I can be a normal person again.

We got a nice face shot during our ultrasound! His eyes were open :)

We have a wiener...uh winner!

I have been blogging in my mind for a few weeks and have yet to actually sit down and write them out. One of these days, I will be up to date. Until then, here is the most recent and exciting life news!

Yesterday, my awesome hubs and I went for our first ultrasound since our first one long ago at 8 weeks. At 19 weeks and change, the hope was to be able to find out the gender of our little blob-o-genes. I have to admit, I was shocked when I first saw their little head show up on the TV screen. The last thing I saw during an ultrasound was almost nothing: just a little grape-shaped circle in my weird looking uterus.

This was the most amazing thing I have ever seen! It was the first tangible sign that we were in it for the long haul and were going to become parents. I have to say, I am extremely lucky. I had almost no morning sickness, no heartburn (except after some home made spicy italian sausage, yikes!), no baby bump, no weird cravings, and very minimal mood swings (mostly brought on by sheer exhaustion). I even thought at one point that maybe I was imagining the whole thing (I do have quite the active imagination). Aside from a few weekends of self-induced comas to recover from my ridiculous life/work schedule, I was feeling very normal and not-pregnant.

So when I saw that body and squirmy arms and legs, my heart leapt. That's our kid! After waiting anxiously while the doctor measured all those tiny, wiggly body parts, we got to see the money shot. There was a brief period of silence and then she said, it's a boy! I had a moment very similar to when I realized the pregnancy test in my hand was actually positive and not just a figment of my hormonal imagination. A boy! Wow. We had been preparing ourselves for a girl- as I had been thoroughly convinced we were having one. The news that he indeed was a bona-fide little man was just as shocking as finding out that we were going to have a kid in the first place! I looked over at Aaron, seeing the shock and joy in his face and said, Dude, that's a little dude! (I'm extremely eloquent, as you can tell. Mom would be proud). I'm not sure who was more precious at that moment, daddy or baby. Aaron leaned over and kissed me, though it was mostly just smiles mashed against smiles. He got his little boy. We would have been happy no matter who was growing inside of me, but deep down, both of us wanted a little man to be the head of the pack. God knows the desires of our hearts and he is faithful and good.

The rest of the ultrasound went well. I already know this little dude is going to be a handful. He was being a naughty punk and making the doctor's job more difficult by hiding his hands and moving non-stop. He probably gets it from his father's side :) I felt him for the first time, too. It must have been from the ultrasound wand (is that what they're called?) being smushed into me. What a great feeling! I love this kid so much already and he's just a little pibsqueak. After the appointment, we made the calls to family and then decided to celebrate by going to Dogtown for wieners! We ended up getting our usual veggie burgers but it was the thought that counts and we agreed it was the most appropriate place for that moment. The food was delicious and well received (I was starving again by that point), as we rewatched the DVD of the ultrasound at home with our roommates. Even the kitty was interested, which is good because I'm not really sure what she's going to do with a little brother.

Here are some pictures from the ultrasound. I could worry about embarrassing him before he's even born, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to be doing a lot of that once he's aware of what embarrassment is.

 Definitely a boy

Baby feet are the cutest! I can't wait to play with them!